The Professor's Ideal World

The Professor's ideal classroom world would would be perfect in every way, at least from her standpoint.

All students would be in college mainly because they want to learn, not just for a piece of paper.

All students would be above average in intellect, motivation, and enthusiasm.

All students would come to class prepared and be ready to participate.

Everyone would do his/her own work.

Cunster, DUHster, and DunSTIR would never have been coined, thus remaining nonsense words.

In class groups, students would engage in intellectual exchange instead of socializing about Thursday night's kegger.

The Professor would never need to give tests because students would always read and make an effort to know the information.

Thus, all students would earn "A's."

Students would never be afraid to debate important ideas, even if their views did not agree with The Professor's, and yet their debate techniques would always show respect for The Professor and their peers.

Students would never be afraid to ask intelligent questions but would always read the syllabus before asking procedural questions.

The Professor would never twiddle her thumbs during office hours.

Every class would be interesting and dynamic.

Student papers would be interesting, lively, and well-written--a joy to read. The Professor would never have to worry about plagiarism, another nonsense word.

Rate My Professors and Rate Your Students would not need exist.

Alas, The Professor realizes that perfection is just a Madison Avenue concept and accepts the real world as her just due.

Besides, "perfection" would soon grow boring, and, for her own personal growth, The Professor would have to quit her job.

The Professor

Another DUHster Question

"When's what test?"

Your Peers: The Good, The Bad, and We-Wish-You-Had-Enrolled-at-Elsewhere University

In last post, Ms. Snark outlined types of professors you are likely to encounter in the classroom--very important information for navigating your college career.

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However, almost as important: knowing your classroom competition. The Professor will offer her student lowdown/smackdown perspective of your peers. In the next few weeks, as she reveals her thoughts, she will post links on the right panel in a link list called "The Professor's Student Lowdown/Smackdown." Meanwhile, here, for your enjoyment and enlightenment, is an outline of what to expect:

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The Memorable
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-----The Superstar

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-----The Learner

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-----The Worker

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The Silent Majority

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The Squawking PITA
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-----The Whiner

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-----The Angry 10 o’clock Scholar

_______________

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The Professor has already explained general characteristics of the Cunster, the DUHster, and the DunSTIR; it may surprise you that these types can end up in just about any of the above outlined categories. For example, just because a student is perceived as a superstar doesn't mean she is a perfect little angel.

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The Professor

Your Professors: The Good, The Bad, and Les Miserable

Okay, my dear snarklits, it's time for Ms. Snark's professor lowdown/smackdown; over the next few weeks, I will cover the following types of professors you will likely encounter during your four to six years of college. As I cover each type, I will create a link in this post and to "Ms. Snark's Professor Lowdown/Smackdown," located on the side panel. For now, here is an outline:

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Full-timers:
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-----The Young Scholar on the Tenure Track
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----------The Hungry Young Prof

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----------The Fallen-off-the-Tenure-Track Scholar
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-----The Tenured Mid-career Scholar

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----------The Enthusiast

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----------The "Now-I-Can-Rest-on-My-Laurels" Scholar

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----------The Bitter and The Morose:

----------------"Phoning It In"

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-----The Tenured Senior Scholar
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----------Traditionalist

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----------The Still-Enthusiast

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----------The Yellow Noter

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----------The Tired: "Phoning It In"
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-----The Non-tenured Visiting Professor
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-----The Non-tenured Instructor
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Part-timers:
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-----The Long-term Adjunct
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----------"Freeway Flier"
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----------Spouse Adjunct
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-----The Teaching Assistant and

----------Short-term adjunct
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----------"I-Already-Have-a-Day-Job" Adjunct

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----------Distinguished Expert in Field

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----------"Phoning It In"

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________________________

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Be sure to check out The Professor's Student Lowdown/Smackdown.

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Ms. Snark

Never Forget September 11, 2001

Text Messaging in Class?

No, No, and No.

The email Dilemma Continues...

Remember the first day of class when The Professor wrote her email address on the board and asked you to email her so she could add you to her address book?

The Professor has even reminded you during every class and finally announced that she would stop nagging you about this minor chore; after all, she is not your mother (thankfully!).

Many of you did so, and The Professor thanks you.

The Professor feels that she has assigned you a rather minor task, but it must have been an onerous duty for a few of you because she has yet to receive your email.

Sigh...The Professor supposes that she could look up your email address herself and add in in her address book, but she will not, and this is why:

1. She does not want to.
2. You're a grown up now and should be taking responsibility for your own tasks. Your colleagues have done it, so why should The Professor give you special dispensation?
3. Your email of record is often obsolete and messages tend to bounce back.
4. She does not want to.
5. She does not want to.
6. She does not want to.
7. She does not want to.
8. She does not want to.
9. She does not want to.
10. She does not want to.
11. You get the point.

The Professor has just sent an important message to your class, and you rebels will not receive it.

What a shame. You have just missed all the helpful tips about the first test.

You know what? The Professor will NOT send this information to you; get it from a colleague, or just suck it up.

Maybe even drop the class.

A lousy start, youngsters.

The Professor

PRWeb Press Release: "Walldaddy.com Seeks Worst College Living Space"

As promised, I have grabbed (from PRWeb) a press release that is related to the topic of this blog.
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According to PRWeb's copyright notice, webmasters may post PRWeb material gratis as long as PRWeb is credited properly.
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Here's the deal: the organization who developed this press release hopes that several college-related media outlets, such as college newspapers, will pick up this release, thus creating buzz for their contest.
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So what does this have to do with bloggers and webmasters? PRWeb generates content, exactly what we need for our landing pages, which often contain ads (as you can see, I have added Ad$ense to my blog). The idea is to draw traffic to one's page, and by adding interesting and relevant content, this blog is likely to draw more readers like you. Some of you may even click on the ads, but I assure you, that is not a requirement or even my primary concern. At this point, I am more interested in drawing traffic, thus creating a symbiotic relationship with PRWeb and other free content web sites and using the content in an interesting way.
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In one of my early posts, I revealed that I am writing a guide for college freshmen, and that this blog is part of the first-draft process. I eventually hope to make a profit from this book, but, for now, you're getting my sage advice for free. By the time this book sees publication, my true identity will be revealed because in the publishing world, credibility is king. Any press releases published here will not be a part of the actual book.
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Just remember: what follows is a press release, and, therefore, should not be viewed as a balanced newspaper story. Each release that I post will be clearly marked as such.
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By the way, you have just received a mini-lesson in web development and management.
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___________________________

Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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(PRWEB) September 8, 2007 -- Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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If someone lives in a totally stank, fugly and depressing dorm or apartment, Walldaddy.com wants to help! We can't sponsor a major makeover, (or buy you a brand spanking new off-campus condo) but Walldaddy.com can show how posters, calendars, and decor prints are THE most cost-conscious and effective decorating measures out there. It's a real lipstick-on-a-pig type deal.
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The contest is open to full-time college students who live on or off campus. The contest begins on September 4th and runs throughout the month. For more information (and to see pics of the latest entries) go to:
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www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=544398836
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or
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www.myspace.com/wallddaddy
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The idea for the contest grew out of Walldaddy's informal market research. "The pics we were getting from our customers were eye-popping," said Ric Starost, E-Business Manager. Walldaddy.com. "Dorm rooms with unpainted cement walls, furniture styles so outdated they aren't even retro-cool, walls with more plaster patches than actual drywall, I mean, even the vandalism was old and tired, what with 'class of' and initials carvings from the early 80's. We felt obligated to get these stories out in the open."
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To enter visit http://www.walldaddy.com/space.html and simply upload pics of the nastiness.
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The winner's personal information won't be publicized (unless they want it to be) in fact, they don't even need to give it to us - to enter all we need is the pic, email contact info, and name of college or university attended.
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We are looking for uniquely bad design, terrible disrepair, horrible color schemes, ridiculously ugly bolted-down dorm furniture, and prison-like space considerations. Consider the above attributes before entering, and please, DON'T upload pics of run-of-the-mill basic typical college socks-and-underwear-on-the-floor student slobbery. -
At the end of the month, Walldaddy.com's panel of college decorating experts will select the top three worst rooms -- whose inhabitant's suffering Walldaddy.com will end by providing them with Walldaddy.com gift cards worth $300!
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For Further Info:
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Julia Bukovinsky
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Account Manager
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DJH Marketing Communications, Inc.
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732-567-8219

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______________________

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By the way, before entering this (or any other contest), make sure that entry is free and don't reveal any personal financial information.

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Also, be aware that this company is probably looking for photos to use for their posters--not necessarily a bad thing--but read the fine print before entering and decide whether or not you would want your ghastly dorm room published as a poster.

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Ms. Snark

On Becoming Tech Savvy: A Heretic in the Ivy Tower

1. Part of the beauty of being anonymous: I can reveal what I really think without worrying too much about repercussions. Having said that, I realize that nothing is truly anonymous on the internet, but I'm still going to chance it and admit a few things that I would never say face-to-face to a colleague:

1. In the 21st century, every young person needs to become tech savvy, which involves knowing more than just using email, blogger, and myspace. You need to learn how to do web pages, write html code (or whatever codes are now standard), upload files and photographs and entire web pages.

2. If you are going into business and/or marketing, you should take all the computer classes you can because your boss will expect you to be tech savvy, and you had better pay attention. If you are going into business for yourself, you will need to know your way around the web if for no other reason to watch over your business interests and protect them from web sharks.

3. Never forget this truism: The world wide web is the playground for con artists, and you must take measures to fend them off by protecting your passwords and never revealing them to strangers and, yes, even to your best friends. This is probably one of the most important lessons in 21st century life.

The internet is full of liars, cheats, and charlatans; in a sense, Ms. Snark & The Professor is part of the big internet scam, for anytime a site is anonymous, you should view what is written on it with a cynical and critical eye. You have no idea who I am: I could be a college student, a 12th grader, or even a mass murderer on death row posing as a college professor. How would you know?

4. Learning how to write well is important, but not nearly as important as knowing how to manage the web for your benefit. There are quite a few young millionaires out there who can barely spell, yet they are millionaires. Often, they were "C" students throughout their college years, so if you fall in this category, don't sweat it. If you can manage your piece of the internet and make enough money doing it, you can always hire in-house or freelance writers to generate internet content or buy content from places like Associated Content or use free content from PRWeb (if you don't mind using press releases).

Just to prove my point, my next post, which will be related to the subject matter of this blog, will be a press release snatched from PRWeb.

5. With very few exceptions, the average writer is going to be part of the new underclass, right down there with adjunct faculty, janitors, and bookstore clerks. (By the way, I have nothing against anyone in these groups.)

6. Right now, one of the the most highly touted courses in college and university writing departments is a sexy-sounding "how-to" offering called "Writing for the Web" or "Web Writing." You certainly can learn a lot of technical skills in such a course, but if you are not learning why one writes for the web, then you need to take a course or attend a bonafide conference that shows you how to turn web writing into a real living.

However, avoid the "free" get-rich-quick seminar schemes because the only ones getting rich quick are the seminar organizers (see number 3), and, besides, nothing is ever really free.

7. There is a lot of money to be made (honestly) on the web; you just have to follow your bliss and find your special niche.

8. Learning how to schmooze properly and smoothly, either in person or online, is probably the most important skill that you can learn in life, one that I wish I had learned as a young person fresh out of college.

9. Courtesy and good manners never go out of style, even when you're feeling snarky and out of sorts with a friend or stranger. Being sweet when you don't feel like it is one of those whites lies that is truly a good thing--easier said than done, I know.

10. Perhaps the most heretical statement an academic can mutter: beyond the freshman composition courses that you are required to take, you would do well to avoid writing courses altogether and take literature, art, philosophy, and music. By becoming well-rounded in the liberal arts, you will become a better writer. Writing means nothing if you have nothing to write about. Besides, if you haven't learned how to hang together a sentence by now, then it's your fault for not paying attention in elementary, middle, and high school. Go to your college Writing Center for tutoring help and/or buy yourself a good grammar book and get cracking on those skills.

It's never too late.

Ms. Snark

Sigh...On Student Messages to "The Professor" via EMAIL...

The Professor feels a certain weariness at having to write this post, for Emily Post does not seem to cover the issue of email protocol, or, my dear young charges, you don't read books on everyday etiquette and netiquette.

So here are some do's and don'ts for emailing your professors:

1. DO write literate messages. Yes, Malcolm, correct spelling and good grammar DO matter, even for a math or psychology class. Before hitting the "send" button, proofread your message, and run it through spell check.
2. DON'T expect The Professor to be available for 24/7 handholding. Believe it or not, she conducts a rather full life outside of the academy and barely thinks about you on a personal level. The Professor realizes that this is a rather shocking confession, but there it is. The sooner you realize that Mommy is back in Springfield and not standing in front of your class, the better you will adjust to college life.
3. DO use a formal tone. "Hiya prof" is hardly viewed as an endearing term. The Professor cringes at such salutations and is often tempted to hit the "delete" button without reading on.
4. In emails to superiors (and The Professor has earned the right to be your superior), "I," as it refers to the First Person singular, should ALWAYS be capitalized, no exceptions. You are no e.e. cummings, and you did not invent lower-case "i"; therefore, you have no right to use it to impress superiors.
5. Before firing off your urgent question, check your syllabus to make sure the question has not already been addressed; otherwise, expect a snarky answer, such as, "Check page two of your syllabus."
6. This may come as a shock to you, but The Professor really doesn't care about your inability to buy the required textbooks for her class. The Professor does not own the college bookstore, nor is she in cahoots with the bookstore manager to make your life miserable. She may cluck and offer you some viable suggestions, such as borrowing the book from a peer, Borders, Amazon.com, and/or a photocopying machine, but that is the extent of her involvement. Vow to do better next semester, and read this post and this post. One more item: The Professor is not likely to excuse you from fulfilling your assignments because of your difficulties. This is a good time to begin incorporating those problem-solving skills that you touted ad nauseum in your college essay.
7. DON'T email your excuses for absences with the hope of procuring an "excused" absence; The Professor will require solid documentation, such as a dated hospital discharge (a hospital wrist brand is not enough), an obituary and funeral program, police report, accident report, and/or trial transcript.
8. DON'T whine and wheedle in an email message; if you do, your message may end up on Rate Your Students.
9. DON'T threaten The Professor; she may have to call security and the Dean (for your removal from her class).
10. NEVER lie in an email; it may come back to haunt you.

Actually, never lie to your professors at all; you are not very good at it; certainly, The Professor can sniff out lies like a bloodhound.

The Professor wishes to thank RYS for reminding her to address this issue and also for the link to a New York Times article about egregious emails from your peers. You would do well to read it.

The Professor

The DunSTIR Defined

I'm back to fulfill my obligation to this blog, though I'm oh-so-busy these days with my fiduciary interests; I'll soon be out-earning The Professor.

I actually adore the word DunSTIR because it's so precise and explains perfectly the kind of student I have often observed in The Professor's classes. Each syllable, a word in itself, offers a facet to this student's personality. "Dun," of course, refers to a type of behavior in which a person (often a bill collector) incessantly dogs another person for a specific purpose. "STIR" refers to mixing things up, always in a very distracting manner.

As you may have surmised, the DunSTIR is the exact opposite of the DUHster; where DUHster is passive, clueless, and droopy, the DunSTIR is noisy, scheming, and sucks all the energy out of a room. She (and DunSTIR is usually a female, though not always) is like a persistent insect that buzzes around your head and refuses to go away, and you can't swat her because she's one buzz ahead of you.

DunSTIR comes to class with an entourage, usually her sorority sisters, who all wear the same satin jacket (think "The Pink Ladies" in Grease), a set of quintuplets in a unified block who sit in the middle left of the classroom. DunSTIR stands out only because she's loud and effusive and sometimes answers her cellphone in class. The other four feed off DunSTIR, and class time is spent in various stages of girl talk and giggling.

The other students just roll their eyes; if The Professor fails to head off the annoying behavior early in the semester, she will hear about it through various pleading e-mails. Her department chair will also get an earful. The other students despise DunSTIR anyway, because she represents everything putrid about high school, the kind of nightmare memories of snooty cliques sending us into expensive long-term psychotherapy.

DunSTIR has an exaggerated sense of self worth; in her mind, the syllabus and due dates do not pertain to her. When The Professor reminds her that she doesn't enjoy special dispensation from her class responsibilities, she assumes a petulant little girl persona. If that doesn't work (and it never does), DunSTIR offers an odd sort of logic: the extra-curricular argument--as if it were understood that DunSTIR's main occupation in college is to raise pom-pom money for The Cheerleaders and Drill Team; she's thoroughly shocked and surprised that The Professor isn't buying into any of it.

DunSTIR will then resort to threats, such as, "My Daddy's a big-name lawyer, and he'll sue you and the college if you don't extend my paper deadline another five weeks."

Once the DunSTIR understands that The Professor has assumed the role of an unmoving block of resistance, DunSTIR sinks into a fuming funk--for about a week--before beginning yet another campaign of asserting the Selfish Self. Meanwhile, in class she mutters snide remarks, just loud enough for The Professor to hear. In other words, she does everything in her power to distract The Professor from her goal of teaching 35 freshmen.

Sometimes, The Professor will stop the class and suggest that Miss DunSTIR might want to take her taut posterior elsewhere.

DunSTIR may end up dropping the class, but if she remains, she may, for a time, settle down and start acting like a young adult college student--that is, until the last month or so, when the call of the social reasserts its siren song, and DunSTIR starts blowing off her work again.

With nothing to lose, DunSTIR cranks up her onslaught of begging, whining, wheedling, threatening, and crying. She, more than anyone else, sends The Professor into end-of-the-semester hiding.

In the end, DunSTIR loses the battle and receives the grade she, no dummy, has actually earned, usually a "C."

A male DunSTIR is less social, his campaign tending to be a solitary effort, but he is almost as annoying as his female counterpart, although he usually disappears mid-semester--much to The Professor's relief.

The Cunster, The DUHster, and The DunSTIR are the kind of students that keep The Professor's medicine cabinet well-stocked in stomach and headache medicine.

In fact, The Professor is now out and about, shopping for giant bottles of various over-the-counter remedies.

Best,

Ms. Snark

2007-2008: A Shiny New Academic Year

The Professor has met all of her classes and is happy to report that the campus looks spiffy and fresh and that the new faces appear younger every year.
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So far, she has not identified any potential trouble spots, at least not yet. But it's still early.
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The Professor's inner-cynic runs deep.
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We have officially entered The Honeymoon Period, where, on both sides of the classroom, hopes run high and excitement is palpable. This is a great time to establish yourself as the serious student you may be (or pretend to be--from your standpoint, it doesn't matter, at least for now). Two weeks from now, it will be too late, for you will already be categorized as a type (more about this later) and, in your prof's mind, placed firmly into a stereotypical slot. Even if you later change your modus operandi, it will be difficult to change your professor's view of you.
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Don't believe your profs if they give the yadda, yadda, yadda speech about how everyone is created equally and, thus, will be treated the same.
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Bullocks! Absolutely and categorically untrue. The Professor has stopped giving out that nonsensical carp.
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The good news: for the most part, you control how your profs see you--of course you can't do much if you happen to look like the prof's late wicked Auntie Witch from Oz or if he/she harbors a secret prejudice against your ethnic group and/or gender. Sooner or later, you will encounter an icky prof who allows his/her own personal biases permeate the classroom.
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But all other things being equal, you, to your profs, are a roomful of blank sheets. Often, on that first day, you will hear your prof say, "Today, in my mind, you are all 'B' students and will remain so until you give me a reason to change my mind, one way or another." That, to a certain extent, is true, because professors carry certain assumptions, based on admissions data, about incoming freshmen.
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So here is The Professor's tip for the day: after the first or even second or third class, stop to chat with your new professor; most profs will feel flattered. Introduce yourself and say something positive about that day's class and how you look forward to Trig (even though you're a History major and Trig is just another hoop). Let the Professor know some of your interests, and, perhaps, some of your future plans.
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By investing 5-10 minutes after class, you have planted a seed in your prof's head that, perhaps, you are an "A" student. You have just paved the way to a smoother semester because you have drawn your professor to your side.
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And you're no longer a blank sheet. One of The Professor's greatest fears is not being able to match faces with names, especially late in the semester.
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Caveats: Never announce that you are an "A" student. The Professor cultivates an inner imp who will spend the rest of the semester trying to debunk your assertion.
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Also, don't hang around too long after class. Your professor may have another class or engagement; if she/he seems rushed (gathering books, papers, etc), don't take it personally, and just make a graceful exit with a polite "goodbye."
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Your five minutes will still help set the positive tone for you; it doesn't take long to schmooze.
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Until next time!
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The Professor

The Meaning of DUHster

On June 24, the Professor explained the meaning of her semi-coined word Cunster; now as colleges and universities all over the country open their ivied doors, The Professor would like to introduce you to a charming new word as it pertains to the witless and clueless.

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DUHster

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Is no coined word scared? It seems as though some young upstart had the audacity to sign up as "Duhster" on MySpace. He may want to reconsider...Never mind. He shall never own the dot-com, though, I'm sure, the dot-net, dot-org etc., etc., may be available.
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Ms. Snark was supposed to define this term for you, but she is off working on another project and cannot be bothered posting here, at least for the time being.
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Sigh.

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"DUHster" should be fairly fairly self-explanatory, but it is extremely important that the first three letters be capitalized and, thus, emphasized; otherwise it will sound like "duster," a mere cleaning implement.

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(You will be tested on this later.)

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DUHster pertains to a very annoying kind of student, usually a young man, though this is not a hard-fast rule; occasionally, young women will fall into this category. However, DUHster women seem to be less obvious about their clueless state, quite possibly directing their stupid questions to their peers instead of The Professor, thus saving themselves significant grief.
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Yes, Malcolm, there IS such a thing as a stupid question, and DUHsters seem to specialize in them. Your Professors will assure you that no question is a stupid question, but once the Faculty Lounge Door slams shut, your professors will slap their foreheads and twitter among themselves; if you don't want to be a hot topic among the frumpy and the tenured, you might want to engage in some judicious self-censoring and get cracking on reading that syllabus you have been ignoring since the first day of class.
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By the way, the most stupid question of all time (and one that you must NEVER ask your professors, even if you have to bite or swallow your tongue):
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"Did we do anything important in class?"

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If The Professor has to explain why your professors bristle at this question, then you are truly hopeless and probably should refrain from attending college, perhaps, even from inflicting yourself on the workforce: just go into hibernation until you hit 30.
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However, if an explanation is necessary, The Professor refers to poet Tom Wayman, who answers a variation of The Stupid Question in his poem "Did I Miss Anything":
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Question frequently asked by

students after missing a class

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Nothing. When we realized you weren't here

we sat with our hands folded on our desks

in silence, for the full two hours

.

more

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Before stepping into to Literature 101, get to know the definitions and variations of academic humor and satire.
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Back to the DUHster. He is often a very pleasant soul, never overtly disruptive, but he lives in a perpetual fog; he never seems to know what assignments are due, let alone when.
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Five seconds after The Professor has lectured on a fine point, given instructions for an in-class exercise, or explained an assignment, the DUHster raises his hand and asks, "What's the assignment?"
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He's like an echo in The Professor's head:
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The Professor

"Exam 2 will emphasize the sea imagery in 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.'"

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(Five seconds later, DUHster's hand goes up)

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"Yes, DUHster?"

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DUHster

"Will we be responsible for 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'?"

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The Professor never fails to be shocked.
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Often, he does not even show up for the exam. If he does, he is totally clueless that there IS an exam, and, of course, hasn't studied for it (even though he sat through last class as The Professor went over the exam material and instructions).
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Best case scenario: he forgets the one item his professor has required him to bring: a writing instrument. He wastes precious time asking his peers for a pen or pencil (he evens asks The Professor, who, at this point, would rather send him home to his mommy Marge back in Springfield.)
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He is perpetually disorganized, leaving behind a trail of papers, pencils, books, even money and wallets.
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The Professor has become his personal Lost & Found Department, often returning various vital items, such as his dorm room key. "Oh, yeah," he'll say, yawning, his eyelids drooping and his voice flat. "I wondering where they got to." Then in an even flatter voice, he reveals that for the past week he has been accessing his room by climbing through his second-story window.
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In closing, the DUHster makes The Professor very tired; she wonders how he ever made through his childhood without being smothered by his parents.
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And then she thanks some higher power that her responsibility for him ends after 16 weeks, but then realizes that the cycle never really seems to end: another DUHster will soon be signing up for next semester's Whatever 101 class.
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Sigh.
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The Professor

The Syllabus: Getting Ready for the Semester

As you prepare for your Big Campus Adventure, packing up all that computer and iPhone technology and other creature comforts, The Professor is busy slapping together her syllabus for and getting it online for students who are not likely to read it--ever.

That is an exaggeration, of course; some will read it and then jump online and transfer out of The Professor's class.

Not really; The Professor's classes fill okay, and most young people will remain, though some eventually wished they hadn't.

The syllabus, an interesting college document requiring on your part a careful deconstruction, is, in many ways, a vital key to your college life. You must pay special attention to your syllabi; to ignore them could send you spiraling home and dropping out of college, possibly within the first five weeks (a time of great peril for college freshmen).

The Syllabus is not a cookie cutter document; each prof has his/her unique style, but they all seem to have one characteristic in common: a very loud bark and a stern tone, the shalt nots the must dos.

Be careful here; while most profs eventually back off a bit, many do not, and you will not know who is likely to be the pussycat or the panther, not until you are well into the semester, though you might find some tidbits on Rate My Professors.

The Professor is going to give you a quick overview of the likely syllabi you will encounter during your first week:

1. The non-syllabus. This prof will blow it off, insisting that his policies and assignments will become clear as the semester progresses and that the syllabus will be forthcoming. Right! The only clear avenue for you: DITCH THIS CLASS and find a prof who distributes a syllabus. Leaving your first class without a syllabus or a link to one indicates that the prof is an arrogant so-and-so tenured professor who cares little about your class.

2. The one- or two-page syllabus. This document will offer you the bare minimum, so be prepared to ask lots of questions. The basic information will be in this document, but it may be missing point counts and percentages. It may also be deceptively easy; a short syllabus does not necessarily mean an easy class. The jury is out on this prof; some profs simply approach life in a terse manner.

3. The four- to ten-page syllabus. This document will probably contain most of what you need and shows that the prof has put some thought into the course. A well-prepared prof will help you navigate the course better. You'll probably be okay with this prof.

4. The Legal Book. This prof tends to go overboard and spells out everything. He/she attempts to cover every contingency: objectives, methods, grading protocols and policies, policies on plagiarism, behavior, writing competency, etc. This syllabus will be difficult to circumvent, so read carefully. In this document, the prof works hard at covering his/her a**, so you had better pay close attention to this one.

Actually, it is in your best interest to read all your syllabi with a discerning eye; make sure you understand every due and test date and every assignment direction, and if something is not clear, ask questions. If you feel intimidated, e-mail your prof (in a respectful, formal manner, of course).

Worst case scenario if you fail to read the syllabus: you could inadvertently miss a test or assignment, and The Professor must tell you: "I forgot" has to be one of the lamest excuses ever, and you will be pegged as a "DUHster" (Ms. Snark will define this word later, though you probably already have the right idea).

Best case scenario if you fail to read the syllabus: You will look like a complete doofus if you raise your hand in class and ask a question that has been clearly covered in the syllabus; your peers will have you pegged as a complete moron who wastes class time on stupid questions (yes, Malcolm, contrary to popular belief, there are stupid questions), and your prof will roll her eyes and sigh wearily.

Not good. You will be wanting to cultivate that positive mask for class time and meetings with your prof, not tripping over your silly freshman tongue.

TIP: The Professor admits that she's a sucker for suck ups, even when in her heart she knows that it is high performance and totally insincere.

But that is okay; she understands the academic game.

Until next time,

The Professor.

The Future: a U.S.P.S. domain Addy ID?

As summer draws to an end, leaving us in mourning over summer's imminent demise and our never-ending Mai-Tai indulgences, The Professor & Ms. Snark have resorted to compulsive web surfing and have stumbled upon a most a most amusing web page about ID's on the web and how the U.S.P.S. might play a role in developing an addressing system through the use of domain names used as addys for both the virtual and physical delivery of the mail.

Seems a bit far-fetched, but as young people, you should keep your eyes and ears open for outrageous ideas that could end up making you fabulously rich. The Professor fears that too many young people lack basic writing skills, but, alas, that doesn't seem to stop some of them from making their vast fortunes.

Hardly seems fair, but there it is.

Mournfully yours,

The Professor

Sipping a Rather Large Mai Tai in Hawaii

Ah, the academic life.

While all you future freshmen are working your rear ends off for five years of college bills, The Professor is kicking back her feet on a lovely beach in Oahu and sipping something red and highly alcoholic.

Someone once asked The Professor, "Why do you continue teaching?"

Her short answer: "May, June, July, and August." The money stinks, but, what the hey, time is valuable too.

I, on the other hand, am spending the summer pursuing some important and quite possibly lucrative business ventures.

Ms. Snark

The Professor’s Anxiety Dream

My dear freshmen,
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You think you have cornered the market on school anxiety?
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The Professor may have been teaching for over 15 years, but when July rolls around, she had better be somewhat prepared for the semester.
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Otherwise, she has The Dream:
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A humungous tree, one of those thick gnarled trees that have been around at least 1,000 years, grows in the middle of The Professor’s classroom.
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Hundreds of students, giggling and pointing to The Professor, pour into the room and hide behind the tree.
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The professor is not wearing a top. In fact, it slowly dawns on her that she is not wearing a bottom, either.
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She tries covering her nakedness with her hands but then gives up. After all, there are situations worse than standing naked in front of hundreds of college freshmen, right?
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(Well, not really, but what can she do but roll with the situation?)
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The Naked Professor looks over her roster—exactly 1,000 students listed for her Writing 101 class.
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“How could they do this to me?” she laments, breaking into a cold sweat, rivulets rolling into no-longer secret places.
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What’s more, The Professor has no syllabus to distribute and can’t remember what was supposed to be on it.
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Her mind is a complete blank—except for the fact that she is totally naked in front of 1,000 sneering freshmen and at least 15 pounds heavier after a bacchanalian summer of food and drink.
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Then she takes another look at her roster: not Writing 101 but Physics 475, a senior seminar having to do Quantum Physics—a field literally a million miles away from her field of expertise.
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Her heart races and—
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And she wakes up.
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She vows to get cracking on that syllabus ASAP.
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Your professors also experience first-day anxiety. After all, you represent the vast unknown; profs have no control who enroll in their classes—
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Einstein or Jack the Ripper?
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Ultimately, most of you will fall somewhere in between.
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And that is what keeps us here and sane.

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The Professor

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The Summer Book

By now (or very soon), your college may send you The Summer Book, typically a current novel or creative non-fiction account, with instructions to read it by Freshman Orientation, and to arrive, fresh and scrubbed-face, ready to discuss, in small groups, its merits, or lack thereof.
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Both Ms. Snark and The Professor recommend that you take your book with you on vacation, go to the beach, kick up your feet, and read it, for it is usually a very engaging book, and you will have a chance to impress some of your future professors with your vast knowledge, wit, and élan.
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Best Wishes,
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Ms. Snark and The Professor

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A Note on Classroom Rigor

If you want to know why most of your your professors insist on classroom rigor, even if lapses don't cost them anything in terms of livelihood, this post at Rate Your Students ought to reveal some insight for you.

The Pofessor's take on this issue appears in this post, but she also agrees wholeheartedly with the other posters, so it hardly matters who posted what.

The Professor

Breaking News! Cunster.com

The Professor is proud to announce the word "cunster" as an integral part of Ms. Snark's lexicon; she shall incorporate this word into her future posts.

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For now, http://www.cunster.com/ will remain on a construction page, although it may eventually be parked on a for-profit advertising page, should traffic warrant it. This blog does involve much labor and some expense.

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Assigned meaning of "cunster" (n.): a student who employs dishonest measures--copying from another student, cheating of any kind, plagiarizing, bribery, lying, blackmail--to acquire undeserved and unearned high grades. The prefix "cun" refers to "cunning" and "conning," pejorative modifiers, describing a scheming and conniving person who resorts to tricks to deceive for personal gain, either higher monetary and/or social status. The suffix "ster" creates a noun with shady connotations. "Cunster" joins other wordplay words, such as trickster, jokester, punster, and scamster.

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Interestingly, the German word for "artist" is "kunst," although The Professor was not mulling over this possibility when she grabbed "cunster" (She could not obtain conster dot com, and she refuses to chase after dot com resellers). Upon reflecting, she has come to realize that the "cun" prefix is, for her purposes, a better fit anyway, for "cunst" could actually refer to the "art of the con."

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One caveat: please do not mistake "cunster" for that other word, sexual in nature, that demeans women; someone else owns that domain name.

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Alas, Ms. Snark was quite mistaken when she claimed that The Professor coined the word; "cunster" is actually an 18th century word, meaning "to construe." "Cunster" can be found in Tobias Smollett's 1771 novel The Expedition of Humphrey Clinker:

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--------------- "...when we can cunster

--------------- the crabbidst buck off hand

--------------- and spell the ethnitch vords ..."

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The Professor does not subscribe to the French Academy practice of keeping language static. She adores the idea that words in the English language are constantly shifting in their meanings.

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Ms. Snark shall return tomorrow with some witticisms.

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The Professor

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A Coined Word (TBA) and dot com Domains

The Professor is full of delightful ideas lately and has coined a most amusing word to describe student scam artists.

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With her permission, I have appropriated the word and even snagged the dot com domain for it, which will surely become an integral part of the lexicon. As soon as the name propagates across the web, I shall reveal this wondrous and apropos word and will use it exclusively in my future posts to refer to the kind of student that you, dear reader, are striving to become--not!

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As most of you are well aware, most of the generic dot com domains have been snapped up by domainers and cybersquatters--on small scale, I plead guilty to this, although, I must admit, I am not making money on my paltry non-generic domains, none of which will attract browser box type-ins.

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My domain MsSnark.com does have a certain panache about it, but it (along with its other top level domain extensions) actually points to this blog, which is not a money maker.

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The Professor has been reading up on domaining, and is quite shocked at the way young people have been making scads of money by parking their domains and allowing businesses to advertise on their parked (inactive) domains. If you, I, and The Professor knew how to do this and owned intuitive dot com names that web surfers would likely type into the URL box, then we could all close up shop and flee to the Cayman Islands.

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But, alas, we all arrived too late at the domain game: I and The Professor because we were too slow (and busy doing other things, like studying hard and teaching young minds who would later become filthy rich domainers) and you because most of you were in diapers when these thirty-somethings were hogging up all the good names.

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So it's not your fault that you arrived late to the domain business.

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Karma will get these x'ers; who knows what awful things their children will do to them, like hog up Moon and Mars acreage and celestial airwaves?

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On the subject of domains: while I do not recommend getting into domaining (unless you know what you are doing tech-wise and have a huge bankroll to buy expensive generic domain names from domain resellers), I and The Professor recommend the following:

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If you can, get a dot com in your own name, even if you must include your middle initial or even entire middle name. Do it.

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Do it now.

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Go to a domain registrar, such as Yahoo!, that allows you to easily redirect your domain to your blog or forum (or even your personal school web page) and is easily edited if you change your mind. You should not have to jump through hoops to edit your domain redirect. Search for registrant information first, before checking Whois (or through your potential domain registrant) for your particular (and, hopefully, unique) name, for there are domain sharks in cyberspace who use sophisticated software that harvest domain name inquiries; if you show too much interest in a name, these sharks will snap up your name for a song (say $5.00-10.00) and then offer it to you for a fortune: hundreds, even thousands of dollars.

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The Professor noticed this with a dot net extension of her real name; a domain shark offered to sell it to her for a horrendous price, but she already had the dot com extension, so she wasn't interested. By no means is The Professor a famous person, nor is her full name a common one or even all that interesting (from a domainer's parking or high roller reselling point of view), so the shark was stuck with a name he didn't need or want. He eventually allowed the registration to lapse, and the domain is once again available.

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Ho-hum. The Professor is still not interested. If, by some wild fluke, she senses fame on the horizon (ha!), then, perhaps, she shall snag the available extensions. In the meantime, she's quite content with her dot com.

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If your name happens to be a common one, such as John or Jane Smith, then you are probably out of luck on all counts, even on the other top level domain (TLD) extensions, such as net, org, info, biz, and us. Curse your forty-something parents for not being more creative and proactive--they should have sensed the internet on the horizon. If you have a unique middle name, such as "kumquat," then you might still have hope of getting a dot com. If not, coin a term that seems to describe you, add it to your dreadfully common name, snag the dot com domain for it, and announce to family, friends, enemies, and strangers that you have changed your middle name.

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There are a lot of dot com permutations still out there and new words to be coined.

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Just ask The Professor.

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Otherwise, I have no good answers for you.

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Stay tuned for our announcement of ____________.com.

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Ms. Snark

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Antioch College to Close?

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If you were planning to attend Antioch College, you might want to consider looking at and applying to other colleges or start unloading your college crates and filling out applications to Wal-Mart and McDonalds.

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Evidently, the college is in desperate financial shape and will close for four years while they get their finances in order.

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Hmmm. That'll work, I'm sure.

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Ya think alumni will throw buckets of money at that sinking ship?

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Evidently, some Antioch folks are not taking the news with grace; I can't say that I blame them.

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Ms. Snark

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Sleuthing Your Future Professors: The College Website, Search Engines, and RateMyProfessors

As an incoming freshman, you will have little, if any, choice of professors. Not that it matters--with your lack of history with the college, you wouldn’t know who to select anyway.
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But all is not lost; at this point, you may not have too many options, but you can get ahead of the game by checking out your professors beforehand.
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Knowledge is power. The more you know about your professors, the better you can prepare for The First Day.
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Back in the old days, when The Professor was a lowly college student, she had to take much on faith and hope that she would not get too skunked in the classroom.
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However, modern technology has opened up the world to you. You no longer have any excuse to claim ignorance about your future professors.
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The College Website. The Professor recommends that you start here. If you don’t know your college URL, simply Google your college name and city, and it should pop up with an .edu extension. All legitimate U.S. colleges and universities have an .edu extension; otherwise you may end up on a spoof porn site (see the Wikipedia entry on Whitehouse.com, now a “respectable” site)
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Many colleges offer online faculty rosters, which tell you, at a minimum, your professor’s educational history, from undergraduate to graduate school, including degrees earned; the year he/she was hired; and department affiliation. Some schools include a photograph of each faculty member and a short professional bio, including significant publications and awards--colleges love trotting out their faculty stars.
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A professor’s year of hire can offer you a ballpark estimate of age, although this is not entirely reliable and probably does not matter anyway. An online photograph can also be deceiving--a young-looking swain might actually be much older. Some profs are reluctant to update their photographs.
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Your professor may have a website on the college server, but don’t expect much from it. Faculty websites tend to be sorry works-in-progress, often created at website training sessions and then forgotten. (The Professor’s college website is a total embarrassment and desperately hopes that Google bypasses it--her misleading photograph depicts a toothless frowzy frump, though she still has all of her front teeth, thank you).
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For good reasons having to do with the patchy nature of college servers, most savvy faculty webmasters snag dot.com domains in their own names and create commercial websites. They also establish commercial e-mail addresses and publish them in their syllabi (more on this in a later post).

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College servers tend to go down at inopportune times, being particularly vulnerable during finals’ week.
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The Professor has a lovely college web page on a commercial website and can publish anything she wants on it without fear of censorship from a fusty IT administrator. Furthermore, her students can e-mail her 24/7--though she tends not to immediately answer frantic messages fired off at 3:00 a.m., even if she’s still up and surfing Swizzle Stick websites.
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Search Engines: Google, Yahoo!, DogPile, etc. After you have exhausted your college website, Surfing several search engines should be your next step. Here you will discover if your prof is a technowhiz or technophobe or, most likely, somewhere in between.
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Also, here is where you will find your technowhiz or in-between prof’s commercial web page, postings on forums, affiliations, and online syllabi.
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The absence of a commercial or any webpage reveals that your prof has not embraced the internet as an academic tool…
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Nothing more.
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Some of The Professor’s favorite people are technophobes who happened to have enjoyed their early and mid careers just fine without technology, thank you. Many of these fine folks have retired or are about to retire, having spent rich and diverse academic careers without a computer keyboard, e-mail address, or cell phone.
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You, dear student of a certain young age, cannot remember, but 20 years ago, very few academics had access to e-mail and web pages. Computers were MS-DOS based, 20-meg hard drives were the gold standard, and floppies were really floppy and big, measuring 5 ¼ inches. Printers requiring special spooled paper were dot matrix, and running one sounded like a blender grinding up bones.
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Our technological learning curve has been difficult and constant, so it should come as no surprise that some older faculty members have eschewed the new and the wired.
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These profs do not cave in to prevailing current opinion that one must be attached to a piece of technology in order to matter in this world. They still believe in The Print Syllabus, Handwritten or Typed Memos, The In-Person Meeting, and The Office Telephone as their main modes of communication. Professor Technophobe may still be a terrific teacher, but as he approaches his golden years, he sees no need jump on the technological learning curve bandwagon, for he views retirement on the horizon; he will soon be sipping cognac in a French restaurant.
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In Paris.
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If you twitch at the notion of picking up a phone or dropping in on your technophobe professor, you might want to consider transferring out of his class and finding someone who at least uses e-mail. The Professor regrets that you might do this, possibly missing out on the important knowledge of a seasoned professional, but she recognizes that we all have our personal comfort levels.
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No matter what technical skills your prof owns, his/her latest books, articles, and conference papers will be noted somewhere on the World Wide Web because a lot of what gets posted about people is out of their hands, such as…
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RateMyProfessors.com. Oh, how academics loathe this website, but The Professor would be remiss in not revealing this all-important student resource.
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Besides, by the time your feet hit campus, you will already have been introduced to RMP, so you might as well know the Truth about The-Website-Your-Professors-Don’t-Like-To-Discuss-But-Whisper-About-in-Hushed-Tones.
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Disclaimer: The Professor refuses to check her own RMP postings because she’s (1) not a glutton for punishment, (2) not interested in fashion tips from young people who wear pajamas to class, dye their hair pink, and pierce their lips, tongues, and eyebrows, and (3) not likely to find much advice that would help her become a better classroom lecturer.
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She knows all too well that RMP is where the disenchanted go to rant about the unfairness of this and that professor.
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The Professor already knows she has ticked off hundreds, maybe thousands, of students.
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But if you use RMP, you must learn how to separate the valid from the rant.
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For example, if you’re a studious and hard working person, a fact that a prof is “too hard” or “assigns too many papers” should not, by itself, scare you away.
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You like challenge, right?
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On the other hand, if you’re a “10 o’clock Scholar” whose five-year college plan involves a keg and a large beer stein as your unofficial major, you might want to consider a more flexible prof.
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A prof being accused of playing favorites and not giving everyone the same extra credit opportunity may be valid if the comment appears time and time again. Regular comments about a professor hitting on students may also be a red flag. On the other hand, “Professor Hunk is a hottie” has nothing to do with sexual harassment, but only posits an opinion by an overheated undergrad.
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Fashion assessments are rarely valid, unless the prof has a B.O. problem; dresses (ahem) provocatively; or regularly comes to class with his fly unzipped. Rumpled or hopelessly out of fashion covers many academics, and you will be hard put to find fashion plates for all your classes.
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The following complaints, if consistent and preferably backed up with specific examples, may be valid:
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----- ---The prof does not speak clearly or loud enough.
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----- ---The prof digresses too much, and lectures are difficult to follow.
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----- ---The prof seems unprepared and/or disorganized.
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----- ---The prof’s information seems out of date (most apparent in the social sciences, business, legal, accounting, biology, pre-med, IT areas).
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----- ---The prof speaks poor English and cannot be understood.
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----- ---The prof has distracting mannerisms.
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----- ---On the first day of class, the prof doesn’t distribute a syllabus or a link to an online version.
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----- ---Prof’s expectations, assignments, and/or grading system are unclear.
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----- ---Due dates are not clearly specified.
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----- ---The prof is either late for class, dismisses early, and/or cancels classes regularly.
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----- ---The prof is too easy (course work isn’t challenging enough).
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----- ---The prof is too difficult (course work is too challenging for the level of class).
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----- ---Prof doesn’t seem to really read papers he/she grades.
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----- ---Prof is too picky and writes too much on papers.
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----- ---Prof is unavailable for questions and clarification and often skips office hours without explanation.
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----- ---The prof doesn’t answer e-mails or return phone calls in a timely manner, if at all.
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----- ---The prof doesn’t return graded papers and tests in a timely manner.
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----- ---The prof makes unwanted sexual advances to students.
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However, the prof’s scruffy shoes, black nose hairs, or faded and funky duds should hardly act as deal breakers.
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Though your attire, should you decide to assume a Goth, revealing, or sloppy fashion statement, may raise a prof brow or two.
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We’ll surely gossip about you on Rate Your Students.

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Ms. Snark & The Professor will be posting more new info and amusing news soon. Check back often.

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The Professor