The Meaning of DUHster

On June 24, the Professor explained the meaning of her semi-coined word Cunster; now as colleges and universities all over the country open their ivied doors, The Professor would like to introduce you to a charming new word as it pertains to the witless and clueless.

.

DUHster

.
Is no coined word scared? It seems as though some young upstart had the audacity to sign up as "Duhster" on MySpace. He may want to reconsider...Never mind. He shall never own the dot-com, though, I'm sure, the dot-net, dot-org etc., etc., may be available.
.


Ms. Snark was supposed to define this term for you, but she is off working on another project and cannot be bothered posting here, at least for the time being.
.

Sigh.

.

"DUHster" should be fairly fairly self-explanatory, but it is extremely important that the first three letters be capitalized and, thus, emphasized; otherwise it will sound like "duster," a mere cleaning implement.

.

(You will be tested on this later.)

.

DUHster pertains to a very annoying kind of student, usually a young man, though this is not a hard-fast rule; occasionally, young women will fall into this category. However, DUHster women seem to be less obvious about their clueless state, quite possibly directing their stupid questions to their peers instead of The Professor, thus saving themselves significant grief.
.


Yes, Malcolm, there IS such a thing as a stupid question, and DUHsters seem to specialize in them. Your Professors will assure you that no question is a stupid question, but once the Faculty Lounge Door slams shut, your professors will slap their foreheads and twitter among themselves; if you don't want to be a hot topic among the frumpy and the tenured, you might want to engage in some judicious self-censoring and get cracking on reading that syllabus you have been ignoring since the first day of class.
.
By the way, the most stupid question of all time (and one that you must NEVER ask your professors, even if you have to bite or swallow your tongue):
.

"Did we do anything important in class?"

.


If The Professor has to explain why your professors bristle at this question, then you are truly hopeless and probably should refrain from attending college, perhaps, even from inflicting yourself on the workforce: just go into hibernation until you hit 30.
.


However, if an explanation is necessary, The Professor refers to poet Tom Wayman, who answers a variation of The Stupid Question in his poem "Did I Miss Anything":
.

Question frequently asked by

students after missing a class

.
Nothing. When we realized you weren't here

we sat with our hands folded on our desks

in silence, for the full two hours

.

more

.

Before stepping into to Literature 101, get to know the definitions and variations of academic humor and satire.
.

Back to the DUHster. He is often a very pleasant soul, never overtly disruptive, but he lives in a perpetual fog; he never seems to know what assignments are due, let alone when.
.

Five seconds after The Professor has lectured on a fine point, given instructions for an in-class exercise, or explained an assignment, the DUHster raises his hand and asks, "What's the assignment?"
.

He's like an echo in The Professor's head:
.

The Professor

"Exam 2 will emphasize the sea imagery in 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.'"

.

(Five seconds later, DUHster's hand goes up)

.

"Yes, DUHster?"

.

DUHster

"Will we be responsible for 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'?"

.

The Professor never fails to be shocked.
.

Often, he does not even show up for the exam. If he does, he is totally clueless that there IS an exam, and, of course, hasn't studied for it (even though he sat through last class as The Professor went over the exam material and instructions).
.

Best case scenario: he forgets the one item his professor has required him to bring: a writing instrument. He wastes precious time asking his peers for a pen or pencil (he evens asks The Professor, who, at this point, would rather send him home to his mommy Marge back in Springfield.)
.

He is perpetually disorganized, leaving behind a trail of papers, pencils, books, even money and wallets.
.

The Professor has become his personal Lost & Found Department, often returning various vital items, such as his dorm room key. "Oh, yeah," he'll say, yawning, his eyelids drooping and his voice flat. "I wondering where they got to." Then in an even flatter voice, he reveals that for the past week he has been accessing his room by climbing through his second-story window.
.

In closing, the DUHster makes The Professor very tired; she wonders how he ever made through his childhood without being smothered by his parents.
.

And then she thanks some higher power that her responsibility for him ends after 16 weeks, but then realizes that the cycle never really seems to end: another DUHster will soon be signing up for next semester's Whatever 101 class.
.

Sigh.
.

The Professor