Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Climbing Out from Under a Rock to Find Snark All Over the Place and Yet Another Warning about Cell Phones Ringing in the Classroom

*


My, but lately it's getting crowded in the snark closet.

That's what happens when I go away for a long time and neglect my duties here. I sincerely apologize to the three people who actually read this blog...

Another Ms. Snark has taken up residence in the blogosphere, but I suppose the internet has room for yet another Ms. Snark. Besides, I have the domain name.

And now the good folks who run the internet decided to create a .me domain extension--actually, it's supposed to be a country code for Montenegro, but they have allowed all kinds of riff raff in, including an upstart who has a new snark site at Snark.me.

Snark.me? Pul-eeze. I'll stick with the .com name.

I'll bet it's one of my former students.

Last year was uneventful, TOO uneventful--I could barely conjure up the strength to work up a sweat about much of anything. It was kumbaya 24/7 in my classroom.

I mostly spent much of the year catching up on the happenings on the
RYS compound; the anonymous administrators there have now decided to post ads. Can't say that I blame them. I shall be doing so soon, which may give me the impetus to post more often.

I can scarcely believe some of the tantrums some young people throw these days, but, certainly, my future students will refrain from becoming snowflake fodder.

Oh, by the way, as the school year begins to rev up, here's a cellphone warning from kingernoy:




Enjoy the rest of your summer!

*

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Ms. Snark is Back, a Crybaby, and an Amusing Poem to Keep Your Mind and Hands Busy


Woe is me.

I have been away FAR too long; meanwhile, some naughty child from far, far away has left some vitriol on my site.

Tsk, tsk.

Perhaps this unique little person ought to take a time out and self reflect on her pathetic small life...

At the very least, she ought to set up her own blog and spew there.

On the other hand, you, my dear students, have been behaving FAR too well; as a consequence, I haven't had the urge to post here, and this blog has languished since September 2007...

My bad.

Alas, the Professor is gone; from now on, it will just be me.

Poor Professor. She begged for mercy and cried, "UNCLE!"

She has been duly released from her sage duties and is enjoying her vast wealth in the Cayman Islands.

Meanwhile, I trudge along, freezing in a northern climate.

Upon my return, I found my Ms. Snark Spam box to be most entertaining: Poetry-in-motion.

Thought you might discover some gems of wisdom from spammers wishing to sell me some special products:

Tommie Schwartz: I wanted to release tension.

Ruby Rosado: I was curious about sex.

Josiah Hooperrepl!c@ted: designer watches and other accessories at low prices

Josie Bragg: I wanted to experiment with new experiences.

Alexandra Connolly: I thought it would relax me

Francis Padgett: I wanted to achieve an orgasm.

Darrel Moody: Give your loved ones amazing presents!

Pasquale Barr: The person made me feel sexy.

Beth Moyer: The person was really desired by others.

Byron Nguyen: I wanted to see what it would be like to have sex with another person.

Cornelia Atwood: I wanted to get the most out of life.

Pearl Broussard: The person's physical appearance turned me on.

Morris Reid: It would allow me to "get sex out of my system" so that I could focus on other things.

Lilian E. Adair: Visit our store and choose a wonderful gift!

Kirsten Coulter: Explore unforgettable gifts for you and your loved ones!

Everette Rosario: The person really desired me.

Brian Montano: It feels good.

Mohamed Burks: Real present for your important organ!

CelinaChristi ReaganScha: Get more respected and admired!

Marcos Ingram: The 10 Best Things to Tell a Naked Woman.

Merle Wise: Achieve all your dreams.

Maria Finch: He starts doing a 360-degree spin...

Josephine Griggs: Prove your manliness!

Molly Bonilla: You can start enjoying!

Francis Padgett: Make her forget her ex, find a workout that doesn't bore you, and skip breakfast.

me: February 76% OFF

Elias Floyd: Only Best Med!

Katrina Dempsey: He starts doing a 360-degree spin...

Antone Kaufman: What you really need is a good health!

Marcie Hearn: At last you will become healthy!

Summer Landers: Never lose hope to recover!

Devin Cross: Women tell us what really works.

Sheena Mckenna: Healthy living is easily achieved!

Clair Dodson: The lowest prices for popular phaarms!

Tessa Hare: Check out the most attractive medical offer.

Willis Mcdaniel: Healthy person is not a myth!

Bette Hadley: Huge store of cheap and effective health products.

Asian Pacific Lottery Org: CONGRATULATION YOU ARE A WINNER - ASIA PACIFIC INT'L LOTTERY ASIA PACIFIC INT'L LOTTERY ASSOCIATION.

Freddie Sheppard: MarquisWidePenis (!)


Favorite, albeit misplaced, message: “Have a cannon in your pants the size of a howitzer.”

Until next time, whenever that will be.

Best,

Ms. Snark

Thursday, September 20, 2007

The Professor's Ideal World

The Professor's ideal classroom world would would be perfect in every way, at least from her standpoint.

All students would be in college mainly because they want to learn, not just for a piece of paper.

All students would be above average in intellect, motivation, and enthusiasm.

All students would come to class prepared and be ready to participate.

Everyone would do his/her own work.

Cunster, DUHster, and DunSTIR would never have been coined, thus remaining nonsense words.

In class groups, students would engage in intellectual exchange instead of socializing about Thursday night's kegger.

The Professor would never need to give tests because students would always read and make an effort to know the information.

Thus, all students would earn "A's."

Students would never be afraid to debate important ideas, even if their views did not agree with The Professor's, and yet their debate techniques would always show respect for The Professor and their peers.

Students would never be afraid to ask intelligent questions but would always read the syllabus before asking procedural questions.

The Professor would never twiddle her thumbs during office hours.

Every class would be interesting and dynamic.

Student papers would be interesting, lively, and well-written--a joy to read. The Professor would never have to worry about plagiarism, another nonsense word.

Rate My Professors and Rate Your Students would not need exist.

Alas, The Professor realizes that perfection is just a Madison Avenue concept and accepts the real world as her just due.

Besides, "perfection" would soon grow boring, and, for her own personal growth, The Professor would have to quit her job.

The Professor

Another DUHster Question

"When's what test?"

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Your Peers: The Good, The Bad, and We-Wish-You-Had-Enrolled-at-Elsewhere University


In last post, Ms. Snark outlined types of professors you are likely to encounter in the classroom--very important information for navigating your college career.
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However, almost as important: knowing your classroom competition. The Professor will offer her student lowdown/smackdown perspective of your peers. In the next few weeks, as she reveals her thoughts, she will post links on the right panel in a link list called "The Professor's Student Lowdown/Smackdown." Meanwhile, here, for your enjoyment and enlightenment, is an outline of what to expect:
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The Memorable
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-----The Superstar
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The Learner
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The Worker
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The Silent Majority
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The Squawking PITA
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-----The Whiner
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-----
The Angry 10 o’clock Scholar
_______________
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The Professor has already explained general characteristics of the Cunster, the DUHster, and the DunSTIR; it may surprise you that these types can end up in just about any of the above outlined categories. For example, just because a student is perceived as a superstar doesn't mean she is a perfect little angel.
-
The Professor

Your Professors: The Good, The Bad, and Les Miserable


Okay, my dear snarklits, it's time for Ms. Snark's professor lowdown/smackdown; over the next few weeks, I will cover the following types of professors you will likely encounter during your four to six years of college. As I cover each type, I will create a link in this post and to "Ms. Snark's Professor Lowdown/Smackdown," located on the side panel. For now, here is an outline:
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-
Full-timers:
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-----The Young Scholar on the Tenure Track
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----------The Hungry Young Prof
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----------The Fallen-off-the-Tenure-Track Scholar
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-----The Tenured Mid-career Scholar
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----------The Enthusiast
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----------The "Now-I-Can-Rest-on-My-Laurels" Scholar
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----------The Bitter and The Morose:
----------------"Phoning It In"
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-----
The Tenured Senior Scholar
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----------Traditionalist
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----------The Still-Enthusiast
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----------
The Yellow Noter
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The Tired: "Phoning It In"
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-----The Non-tenured Visiting Professor
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-----The Non-tenured Instructor
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Part-timers:
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-----The Long-term Adjunct
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----------"Freeway Flier"
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----------Spouse Adjunct
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-----The Teaching Assistant and
----------Short-term adjunct
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----------"I-Already-Have-a-Day-Job" Adjunct
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----------Distinguished Expert in Field
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----------
"Phoning It In"
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________________________
-
-
Ms. Snark

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Never Forget September 11, 2001


Text Messaging in Class?


No, No, and No.

The email Dilemma Continues...



Remember the first day of class when The Professor wrote her email address on the board and asked you to email her so she could add you to her address book?

The Professor has even reminded you during every class and finally announced that she would stop nagging you about this minor chore; after all, she is not your mother (thankfully!).

Many of you did so, and The Professor thanks you.

The Professor feels that she has assigned you a rather minor task, but it must have been an onerous duty for a few of you because she has yet to receive your email.

Sigh...The Professor supposes that she could look up your email address herself and add in in her address book, but she will not, and this is why:
  1. She does not want to.
  2. You're a grown up now and should be taking responsibility for your own tasks. Your colleagues have done it, so why should The Professor give you special dispensation?
  3. Your email of record is often obsolete and messages tend to bounce back.
  4. She does not want to.
  5. She does not want to.
  6. She does not want to.
  7. She does not want to.
  8. She does not want to.
  9. She does not want to.
  10. She does not want to.
  11. You get the point.

The Professor has just sent an important message to your class, and you rebels will not receive it.

What a shame. You have just missed all the helpful tips about the first test.

You know what? The Professor will NOT send this information to you; get it from a colleague, or just suck it up.

Maybe even drop the class.

A lousy start, youngsters.

The Professor

Saturday, September 8, 2007

PRWeb Press Release: "Walldaddy.com Seeks Worst College Living Space"



As promised, I have grabbed (from PRWeb) a press release that is related to the topic of this blog.
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According to PRWeb's copyright notice, webmasters may post PRWeb material gratis as long as PRWeb is credited properly.
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Here's the deal: the organization who developed this press release hopes that several college-related media outlets, such as college newspapers, will pick up this release, thus creating buzz for their contest.
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So what does this have to do with bloggers and webmasters? PRWeb generates content, exactly what we need for our landing pages, which often contain ads (as you can see, I have added Ad$ense to my blog). The idea is to draw traffic to one's page, and by adding interesting and relevant content, this blog is likely to draw more readers like you. Some of you may even click on the ads, but I assure you, that is not a requirement or even my primary concern. At this point, I am more interested in drawing traffic, thus creating a symbiotic relationship with PRWeb and other free content web sites and using the content in an interesting way.
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In one of my early posts, I revealed that I am writing a guide for college freshmen, and that this blog is part of the first-draft process. I eventually hope to make a profit from this book, but, for now, you're getting my sage advice for free. By the time this book sees publication, my true identity will be revealed because in the publishing world, credibility is king. Any press releases published here will not be a part of the actual book.
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Just remember: what follows is a press release, and, therefore, should not be viewed as a balanced newspaper story. Each release that I post will be clearly marked as such.
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By the way, you have just received a mini-lesson in web development and management.
-

___________________________


Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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(PRWEB) September 8, 2007 -- Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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If someone lives in a totally stank, fugly and depressing dorm or apartment, Walldaddy.com wants to help! We can't sponsor a major makeover, (or buy you a brand spanking new off-campus condo) but Walldaddy.com can show how posters, calendars, and decor prints are THE most cost-conscious and effective decorating measures out there. It's a real lipstick-on-a-pig type deal.

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The contest is open to full-time college students who live on or off campus. The contest begins on September 4th and runs throughout the month. For more information (and to see pics of the latest entries) go to:

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www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=544398836
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or
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www.myspace.com/wallddaddy
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The idea for the contest grew out of Walldaddy's informal market research. "The pics we were getting from our customers were eye-popping," said Ric Starost, E-Business Manager. Walldaddy.com. "Dorm rooms with unpainted cement walls, furniture styles so outdated they aren't even retro-cool, walls with more plaster patches than actual drywall, I mean, even the vandalism was old and tired, what with 'class of' and initials carvings from the early 80's. We felt obligated to get these stories out in the open."
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To enter visit
http://www.walldaddy.com/space.html and simply upload pics of the nastiness.
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The winner's personal information won't be publicized (unless they want it to be) in fact, they don't even need to give it to us - to enter all we need is the pic, email contact info, and name of college or university attended.

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We are looking for uniquely bad design, terrible disrepair, horrible color schemes, ridiculously ugly bolted-down dorm furniture, and prison-like space considerations. Consider the above attributes before entering, and please, DON'T upload pics of run-of-the-mill basic typical college socks-and-underwear-on-the-floor student slobbery. -
At the end of the month, Walldaddy.com's panel of college decorating experts will select the top three worst rooms -- whose inhabitant's suffering Walldaddy.com will end by providing them with Walldaddy.com gift cards worth $300!

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For Further Info:

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Julia Bukovinsky

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Account Manager

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DJH Marketing Communications, Inc.

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732-567-8219



###
______________________
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By the way, before entering this (or any other contest), make sure that entry is free and don't reveal any personal financial information.
-
Also, be aware that this company is probably looking for photos to use for their posters--not necessarily a bad thing--but read the fine print before entering and decide whether or not you would want your ghastly dorm room published as a poster.
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Ms. Snark

On Becoming Tech Savvy: A Heretic in the Ivy Tower

  1. Part of the beauty of being anonymous: I can reveal what I really think without worrying too much about repercussions. Having said that, I realize that nothing is truly anonymous on the internet, but I'm still going to chance it and admit a few things that I would never say face-to-face to a colleague:

1. In the 21st century, every young person needs to become tech savvy, which involves knowing more than just using email, blogger, and myspace. You need to learn how to do web pages, write html code (or whatever codes are now standard), upload files and photographs and entire web pages.

2. If you are going into business and/or marketing, you should take all the computer classes you can because your boss will expect you to be tech savvy, and you had better pay attention. If you are going into business for yourself, you will need to know your way around the web if for no other reason to watch over your business interests and protect them from web sharks.

3. Never forget this truism: The world wide web is the playground for con artists, and you must take measures to fend them off by protecting your passwords and never revealing them to strangers and, yes, even to your best friends. This is probably one of the most important lessons in 21st century life.

The internet is full of liars, cheats, and charlatans; in a sense, Ms. Snark & The Professor is part of the big internet scam, for anytime a site is anonymous, you should view what is written on it with a cynical and critical eye. You have no idea who I am: I could be a college student, a 12th grader, or even a mass murderer on death row posing as a college professor. How would you know?

4. Learning how to write well is important, but not nearly as important as knowing how to manage the web for your benefit. There are quite a few young millionaires out there who can barely spell, yet they are millionaires. Often, they were "C" students throughout their college years, so if you fall in this category, don't sweat it. If you can manage your piece of the internet and make enough money doing it, you can always hire in-house or freelance writers to generate internet content or buy content from places like Associated Content or use free content from PRWeb (if you don't mind using press releases).

Just to prove my point, my next post, which will be related to the subject matter of this blog, will be a press release snatched from PRWeb.

5. With very few exceptions, the average writer is going to be part of the new underclass, right down there with adjunct faculty, janitors, and bookstore clerks. (By the way, I have nothing against anyone in these groups.)

6. Right now, one of the the most highly touted courses in college and university writing departments is a sexy-sounding "how-to" offering called "Writing for the Web" or "Web Writing." You certainly can learn a lot of technical skills in such a course, but if you are not learning why one writes for the web, then you need to take a course or attend a bonafide conference that shows you how to turn web writing into a real living.

However, avoid the "free" get-rich-quick seminar schemes because the only ones getting rich quick are the seminar organizers (see number 3), and, besides, nothing is ever really free.

7. There is a lot of money to be made (honestly) on the web; you just have to follow your bliss and find your special niche.

8. Learning how to schmooze properly and smoothly, either in person or online, is probably the most important skill that you can learn in life, one that I wish I had learned as a young person fresh out of college.

9. Courtesy and good manners never go out of style, even when you're feeling snarky and out of sorts with a friend or stranger. Being sweet when you don't feel like it is one of those whites lies that is truly a good thing--easier said than done, I know.

10. Perhaps the most heretical statement an academic can mutter: beyond the freshman composition courses that you are required to take, you would do well to avoid writing courses altogether and take literature, art, philosophy, and music. By becoming well-rounded in the liberal arts, you will become a better writer. Writing means nothing if you have nothing to write about. Besides, if you haven't learned how to hang together a sentence by now, then it's your fault for not paying attention in elementary, middle, and high school. Go to your college Writing Center for tutoring help and/or buy yourself a good grammar book and get cracking on those skills.

It's never too late.

Ms. Snark

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Sigh...On Student Messages to "The Professor" via EMAIL...



The Professor feels a certain weariness at having to write this post, for Emily Post does not seem to cover the issue of email protocol, or, my dear young charges, you don't read books on everyday etiquette and netiquette.

So here are some do's and don'ts for emailing your professors:

  1. DO write literate messages. Yes, Malcolm, correct spelling and good grammar DO matter, even for a math or psychology class. Before hitting the "send" button, proofread your message, and run it through spell check.
  2. DON'T expect The Professor to be available for 24/7 handholding. Believe it or not, she conducts a rather full life outside of the academy and barely thinks about you on a personal level. The Professor realizes that this is a rather shocking confession, but there it is. The sooner you realize that Mommy is back in Springfield and not standing in front of your class, the better you will adjust to college life.
  3. DO use a formal tone. "Hiya prof" is hardly viewed as an endearing term. The Professor cringes at such salutations and is often tempted to hit the "delete" button without reading on.
  4. In emails to superiors (and The Professor has earned the right to be your superior), "I," as it refers to the First Person singular, should ALWAYS be capitalized, no exceptions. You are no e.e. cummings, and you did not invent lower-case "i"; therefore, you have no right to use it to impress superiors.
  5. Before firing off your urgent question, check your syllabus to make sure the question has not already been addressed; otherwise, expect a snarky answer, such as, "Check page two of your syllabus."
  6. This may come as a shock to you, but The Professor really doesn't care about your inability to buy the required textbooks for her class. The Professor does not own the college bookstore, nor is she in cahoots with the bookstore manager to make your life miserable. She may cluck and offer you some viable suggestions, such as borrowing the book from a peer, Borders, Amazon.com, and/or a photocopying machine, but that is the extent of her involvement. Vow to do better next semester, and read this post and this post. One more item: The Professor is not likely to excuse you from fulfilling your assignments because of your difficulties. This is a good time to begin incorporating those problem-solving skills that you touted ad nauseum in your college essay.
  7. DON'T email your excuses for absences with the hope of procuring an "excused" absence; The Professor will require solid documentation, such as a dated hospital discharge (a hospital wrist brand is not enough), an obituary and funeral program, police report, accident report, and/or trial transcript.
  8. DON'T whine and wheedle in an email message; if you do, your message may end up on Rate Your Students.
  9. DON'T threaten The Professor; she may have to call security and the Dean (for your removal from her class).
  10. NEVER lie in an email; it may come back to haunt you.

Actually, never lie to your professors at all; you are not very good at it; certainly, The Professor can sniff out lies like a bloodhound.

The Professor wishes to thank RYS for reminding her to address this issue and also for the link to a New York Times article about egregious emails from your peers. You would do well to read it.

The Professor

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

The DunSTIR Defined

I'm back to fulfill my obligation to this blog, though I'm oh-so-busy these days with my fiduciary interests; I'll soon be out-earning The Professor.

I actually adore the word DunSTIR because it's so precise and explains perfectly the kind of student I have often observed in The Professor's classes. Each syllable, a word in itself, offers a facet to this student's personality. "Dun," of course, refers to a type of behavior in which a person (often a bill collector) incessantly dogs another person for a specific purpose. "STIR" refers to mixing things up, always in a very distracting manner.

As you may have surmised, the DunSTIR is the exact opposite of the DUHster; where DUHster is passive, clueless, and droopy, the DunSTIR is noisy, scheming, and sucks all the energy out of a room. She (and DunSTIR is usually a female, though not always) is like a persistent insect that buzzes around your head and refuses to go away, and you can't swat her because she's one buzz ahead of you.

DunSTIR comes to class with an entourage, usually her sorority sisters, who all wear the same satin jacket (think "The Pink Ladies" in Grease), a set of quintuplets in a unified block who sit in the middle left of the classroom. DunSTIR stands out only because she's loud and effusive and sometimes answers her cellphone in class. The other four feed off DunSTIR, and class time is spent in various stages of girl talk and giggling.

The other students just roll their eyes; if The Professor fails to head off the annoying behavior early in the semester, she will hear about it through various pleading e-mails. Her department chair will also get an earful. The other students despise DunSTIR anyway, because she represents everything putrid about high school, the kind of nightmare memories of snooty cliques sending us into expensive long-term psychotherapy.

DunSTIR has an exaggerated sense of self worth; in her mind, the syllabus and due dates do not pertain to her. When The Professor reminds her that she doesn't enjoy special dispensation from her class responsibilities, she assumes a petulant little girl persona. If that doesn't work (and it never does), DunSTIR offers an odd sort of logic: the extra-curricular argument--as if it were understood that DunSTIR's main occupation in college is to raise pom-pom money for The Cheerleaders and Drill Team; she's thoroughly shocked and surprised that The Professor isn't buying into any of it.

DunSTIR will then resort to threats, such as, "My Daddy's a big-name lawyer, and he'll sue you and the college if you don't extend my paper deadline another five weeks."

Once the DunSTIR understands that The Professor has assumed the role of an unmoving block of resistance, DunSTIR sinks into a fuming funk--for about a week--before beginning yet another campaign of asserting the Selfish Self. Meanwhile, in class she mutters snide remarks, just loud enough for The Professor to hear. In other words, she does everything in her power to distract The Professor from her goal of teaching 35 freshmen.

Sometimes, The Professor will stop the class and suggest that Miss DunSTIR might want to take her taut posterior elsewhere.

DunSTIR may end up dropping the class, but if she remains, she may, for a time, settle down and start acting like a young adult college student--that is, until the last month or so, when the call of the social reasserts its siren song, and DunSTIR starts blowing off her work again.

With nothing to lose, DunSTIR cranks up her onslaught of begging, whining, wheedling, threatening, and crying. She, more than anyone else, sends The Professor into end-of-the-semester hiding.

In the end, DunSTIR loses the battle and receives the grade she, no dummy, has actually earned, usually a "C."

A male DunSTIR is less social, his campaign tending to be a solitary effort, but he is almost as annoying as his female counterpart, although he usually disappears mid-semester--much to The Professor's relief.

The Cunster, The DUHster, and The DunSTIR are the kind of students that keep The Professor's medicine cabinet well-stocked in stomach and headache medicine.

In fact, The Professor is now out and about, shopping for giant bottles of various over-the-counter remedies.

Best,

Ms. Snark

2007-2008: A Shiny New Academic Year


The Professor has met all of her classes and is happy to report that the campus looks spiffy and fresh and that the new faces appear younger every year.
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So far, she has not identified any potential trouble spots, at least not yet. But it's still early.
-
The Professor's inner-cynic runs deep.
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We have officially entered The Honeymoon Period, where, on both sides of the classroom, hopes run high and excitement is palpable. This is a great time to establish yourself as the serious student you may be (or pretend to be--from your standpoint, it doesn't matter, at least for now). Two weeks from now, it will be too late, for you will already be categorized as a type (more about this later) and, in your prof's mind, placed firmly into a stereotypical slot. Even if you later change your modus operandi, it will be difficult to change your professor's view of you.
-
Don't believe your profs if they give the yadda, yadda, yadda speech about how everyone is created equally and, thus, will be treated the same.
-
Bullocks! Absolutely and categorically untrue. The Professor has stopped giving out that nonsensical carp.
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The good news: for the most part, you control how your profs see you--of course you can't do much if you happen to look like the prof's late wicked Auntie Witch from Oz or if he/she harbors a secret prejudice against your ethnic group and/or gender. Sooner or later, you will encounter an icky prof who allows his/her own personal biases permeate the classroom.
-
But all other things being equal, you, to your profs, are a roomful of blank sheets. Often, on that first day, you will hear your prof say, "Today, in my mind, you are all 'B' students and will remain so until you give me a reason to change my mind, one way or another." That, to a certain extent, is true, because professors carry certain assumptions, based on admissions data, about incoming freshmen.
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So here is The Professor's tip for the day: after the first or even second or third class, stop to chat with your new professor; most profs will feel flattered. Introduce yourself and say something positive about that day's class and how you look forward to Trig (even though you're a History major and Trig is just another hoop). Let the Professor know some of your interests, and, perhaps, some of your future plans.
-
By investing 5-10 minutes after class, you have planted a seed in your prof's head that, perhaps, you are an "A" student. You have just paved the way to a smoother semester because you have drawn your professor to your side.
-
And you're no longer a blank sheet. One of The Professor's greatest fears is not being able to match faces with names, especially late in the semester.
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Caveats: Never announce that you are an "A" student. The Professor cultivates an inner imp who will spend the rest of the semester trying to debunk your assertion.
-
Also, don't hang around too long after class. Your professor may have another class or engagement; if she/he seems rushed (gathering books, papers, etc), don't take it personally, and just make a graceful exit with a polite "goodbye."
-
Your five minutes will still help set the positive tone for you; it doesn't take long to schmooze.
-
Until next time!
-
The Professor

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Meaning of DUHster


On June 24, the Professor explained the meaning of her semi-coined word Cunster; now as colleges and universities all over the country open their ivied doors, The Professor would like to introduce you to a charming new word as it pertains to the witless and clueless.

.

DUHster

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Is no coined word scared? It seems as though some young upstart had the audacity to sign up as "Duhster" on MySpace. He may want to reconsider...Never mind. He shall never own the dot-com, though, I'm sure, the dot-net, dot-org etc., etc., may be available.

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Ms. Snark was supposed to define this term for you, but she is off working on another project and cannot be bothered posting here, at least for the time being.
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Sigh.

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"DUHster" should be fairly fairly self-explanatory, but it is extremely important that the first three letters be capitalized and, thus, emphasized; otherwise it will sound like "duster," a mere cleaning implement.

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(You will be tested on this later.)

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DUHster pertains to a very annoying kind of student, usually a young man, though this is not a hard-fast rule; occasionally, young women will fall into this category. However, DUHster women seem to be less obvious about their clueless state, quite possibly directing their stupid questions to their peers instead of The Professor, thus saving themselves significant grief.
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Yes, Malcolm, there IS such a thing as a stupid question, and DUHsters seem to specialize in them. Your Professors will assure you that no question is a stupid question, but once the Faculty Lounge Door slams shut, your professors will slap their foreheads and twitter among themselves; if you don't want to be a hot topic among the frumpy and the tenured, you might want to engage in some judicious self-censoring and get cracking on reading that syllabus you have been ignoring since the first day of class.
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By the way, the most stupid question of all time (and one that you must NEVER ask your professors, even if you have to bite or swallow your tongue):
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"Did we do anything important in class?"
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If The Professor has to explain why your professors bristle at this question, then you are truly hopeless and probably should refrain from attending college, perhaps, even from inflicting yourself on the workforce: just go into hibernation until you hit 30.
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However, if an explanation is necessary, The Professor refers to poet Tom Wayman, who answers a variation of The Stupid Question in his poem "Did I Miss Anything":
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Question frequently asked by
students after missing a class
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Nothing. When we realized you weren't here
we sat with our hands folded on our desks
in silence, for the full two hours
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Before stepping into to Literature 101, get to know the definitions and variations of academic humor and satire.
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Back to the DUHster. He is often a very pleasant soul, never overtly disruptive, but he lives in a perpetual fog; he never seems to know what assignments are due, let alone when.
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Five seconds after The Professor has lectured on a fine point, given instructions for an in-class exercise, or explained an assignment, the DUHster raises his hand and asks, "What's the assignment?"
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He's like an echo in The Professor's head:
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The Professor
"Exam 2 will emphasize the sea imagery in 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock.'"
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(Five seconds later, DUHster's hand goes up)
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"Yes, DUHster?"
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DUHster
"Will we be responsible for 'The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock'?"
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The Professor never fails to be shocked.
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Often, he does not even show up for the exam. If he does, he is totally clueless that there IS an exam, and, of course, hasn't studied for it (even though he sat through last class as The Professor went over the exam material and instructions).
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Best case scenario: he forgets the one item his professor has required him to bring: a writing instrument. He wastes precious time asking his peers for a pen or pencil (he evens asks The Professor, who, at this point, would rather send him home to his mommy Marge back in Springfield.)
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He is perpetually disorganized, leaving behind a trail of papers, pencils, books, even money and wallets.
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The Professor has become his personal Lost & Found Department, often returning various vital items, such as his dorm room key. "Oh, yeah," he'll say, yawning, his eyelids drooping and his voice flat. "I wondering where they got to." Then in an even flatter voice, he reveals that for the past week he has been accessing his room by climbing through his second-story window.
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In closing, the DUHster makes The Professor very tired; she wonders how he ever made through his childhood without being smothered by his parents.
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And then she thanks some higher power that her responsibility for him ends after 16 weeks, but then realizes that the cycle never really seems to end: another DUHster will soon be signing up for next semester's Whatever 101 class.
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Sigh.
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The Professor

Sunday, August 5, 2007

The Syllabus: Getting Ready for the Semester

As you prepare for your Big Campus Adventure, packing up all that computer and iPhone technology and other creature comforts, The Professor is busy slapping together her syllabus for and getting it online for students who are not likely to read it--ever.

That is an exaggeration, of course; some will read it and then jump online and transfer out of The Professor's class.

Not really; The Professor's classes fill okay, and most young people will remain, though some eventually wished they hadn't.

The syllabus, an interesting college document requiring on your part a careful deconstruction, is, in many ways, a vital key to your college life. You must pay special attention to your syllabi; to ignore them could send you spiraling home and dropping out of college, possibly within the first five weeks (a time of great peril for college freshmen).

The Syllabus is not a cookie cutter document; each prof has his/her unique style, but they all seem to have one characteristic in common: a very loud bark and a stern tone, the shalt nots the must dos.

Be careful here; while most profs eventually back off a bit, many do not, and you will not know who is likely to be the pussycat or the panther, not until you are well into the semester, though you might find some tidbits on Rate My Professors.

The Professor is going to give you a quick overview of the likely syllabi you will encounter during your first week:

1. The non-syllabus. This prof will blow it off, insisting that his policies and assignments will become clear as the semester progresses and that the syllabus will be forthcoming. Right! The only clear avenue for you: DITCH THIS CLASS and find a prof who distributes a syllabus. Leaving your first class without a syllabus or a link to one indicates that the prof is an arrogant so-and-so tenured professor who cares little about your class.

2. The one- or two-page syllabus. This document will offer you the bare minimum, so be prepared to ask lots of questions. The basic information will be in this document, but it may be missing point counts and percentages. It may also be deceptively easy; a short syllabus does not necessarily mean an easy class. The jury is out on this prof; some profs simply approach life in a terse manner.

3. The four- to ten-page syllabus. This document will probably contain most of what you need and shows that the prof has put some thought into the course. A well-prepared prof will help you navigate the course better. You'll probably be okay with this prof.

4. The Legal Book. This prof tends to go overboard and spells out everything. He/she attempts to cover every contingency: objectives, methods, grading protocols and policies, policies on plagiarism, behavior, writing competency, etc. This syllabus will be difficult to circumvent, so read carefully. In this document, the prof works hard at covering his/her a**, so you had better pay close attention to this one.

Actually, it is in your best interest to read all your syllabi with a discerning eye; make sure you understand every due and test date and every assignment direction, and if something is not clear, ask questions. If you feel intimidated, e-mail your prof (in a respectful, formal manner, of course).

Worst case scenario if you fail to read the syllabus: you could inadvertently miss a test or assignment, and The Professor must tell you: "I forgot" has to be one of the lamest excuses ever, and you will be pegged as a "DUHster" (Ms. Snark will define this word later, though you probably already have the right idea).

Best case scenario if you fail to read the syllabus: You will look like a complete doofus if you raise your hand in class and ask a question that has been clearly covered in the syllabus; your peers will have you pegged as a complete moron who wastes class time on stupid questions (yes, Malcolm, contrary to popular belief, there are stupid questions), and your prof will roll her eyes and sigh wearily.

Not good. You will be wanting to cultivate that positive mask for class time and meetings with your prof, not tripping over your silly freshman tongue.

TIP: The Professor admits that she's a sucker for suck ups, even when in her heart she knows that it is high performance and totally insincere.

But that is okay; she understands the academic game.

Until next time,

The Professor.

Friday, July 27, 2007

The Future: a U.S.P.S. domain Addy ID?

As summer draws to an end, leaving us in mourning over summer's imminent demise and our never-ending Mai-Tai indulgences, The Professor & Ms. Snark have resorted to compulsive web surfing and have stumbled upon a most a most amusing web page about ID's on the web and how the U.S.P.S. might play a role in developing an addressing system through the use of domain names used as addys for both the virtual and physical delivery of the mail.

Seems a bit far-fetched, but as young people, you should keep your eyes and ears open for outrageous ideas that could end up making you fabulously rich. The Professor fears that too many young people lack basic writing skills, but, alas, that doesn't seem to stop some of them from making their vast fortunes.

Hardly seems fair, but there it is.

Mournfully yours,

The Professor

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Sipping a Rather Large Mai Tai in Hawaii

Ah, the academic life.

While all you future freshmen are working your rear ends off for five years of college bills, The Professor is kicking back her feet on a lovely beach in Oahu and sipping something red and highly alcoholic.

Someone once asked The Professor, "Why do you continue teaching?"

Her short answer: "May, June, July, and August." The money stinks, but, what the hey, time is valuable too.

I, on the other hand, am spending the summer pursuing some important and quite possibly lucrative business ventures.

Ms. Snark

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

The Professor’s Anxiety Dream




My dear freshmen,
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You think you have cornered the market on school anxiety?
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The Professor may have been teaching for over 15 years, but when July rolls around, she had better be somewhat prepared for the semester.
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Otherwise, she has The Dream:
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A humungous tree, one of those thick gnarled trees that have been around at least 1,000 years, grows in the middle of The Professor’s classroom.
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Hundreds of students, giggling and pointing to The Professor, pour into the room and hide behind the tree.
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The professor is not wearing a top. In fact, it slowly dawns on her that she is not wearing a bottom, either.
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She tries covering her nakedness with her hands but then gives up. After all, there are situations worse than standing naked in front of hundreds of college freshmen, right?
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(Well, not really, but what can she do but roll with the situation?)
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The Naked Professor looks over her roster—exactly 1,000 students listed for her Writing 101 class.
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“How could they do this to me?” she laments, breaking into a cold sweat, rivulets rolling into no-longer secret places.
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What’s more, The Professor has no syllabus to distribute and can’t remember what was supposed to be on it.
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Her mind is a complete blank—except for the fact that she is totally naked in front of 1,000 sneering freshmen and at least 15 pounds heavier after a bacchanalian summer of food and drink.
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Then she takes another look at her roster: not Writing 101 but Physics 475, a senior seminar having to do Quantum Physics—a field literally a million miles away from her field of expertise.
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Her heart races and—
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And she wakes up.
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She vows to get cracking on that syllabus ASAP.
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Your professors also experience first-day anxiety. After all, you represent the vast unknown; profs have no control who enroll in their classes—
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Einstein or Jack the Ripper?
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Ultimately, most of you will fall somewhere in between.
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And that is what keeps us here and sane.

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The Professor

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Friday, June 29, 2007

The Summer Book


By now (or very soon), your college may send you The Summer Book, typically a current novel or creative non-fiction account, with instructions to read it by Freshman Orientation, and to arrive, fresh and scrubbed-face, ready to discuss, in small groups, its merits, or lack thereof.
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Both Ms. Snark and The Professor recommend that you take your book with you on vacation, go to the beach, kick up your feet, and read it, for it is usually a very engaging book, and you will have a chance to impress some of your future professors with your vast knowledge, wit, and élan.
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Best Wishes,
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Ms. Snark and The Professor

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Wednesday, June 27, 2007

A Note on Classroom Rigor

If you want to know why most of your your professors insist on classroom rigor, even if lapses don't cost them anything in terms of livelihood, this post at Rate Your Students ought to reveal some insight for you.

The Pofessor's take on this issue appears in this post, but she also agrees wholeheartedly with the other posters, so it hardly matters who posted what.

The Professor