The Professor's Ideal World

The Professor's ideal classroom world would would be perfect in every way, at least from her standpoint.

All students would be in college mainly because they want to learn, not just for a piece of paper.

All students would be above average in intellect, motivation, and enthusiasm.

All students would come to class prepared and be ready to participate.

Everyone would do his/her own work.

Cunster, DUHster, and DunSTIR would never have been coined, thus remaining nonsense words.

In class groups, students would engage in intellectual exchange instead of socializing about Thursday night's kegger.

The Professor would never need to give tests because students would always read and make an effort to know the information.

Thus, all students would earn "A's."

Students would never be afraid to debate important ideas, even if their views did not agree with The Professor's, and yet their debate techniques would always show respect for The Professor and their peers.

Students would never be afraid to ask intelligent questions but would always read the syllabus before asking procedural questions.

The Professor would never twiddle her thumbs during office hours.

Every class would be interesting and dynamic.

Student papers would be interesting, lively, and well-written--a joy to read. The Professor would never have to worry about plagiarism, another nonsense word.

Rate My Professors and Rate Your Students would not need exist.

Alas, The Professor realizes that perfection is just a Madison Avenue concept and accepts the real world as her just due.

Besides, "perfection" would soon grow boring, and, for her own personal growth, The Professor would have to quit her job.

The Professor

Another DUHster Question

"When's what test?"

Your Peers: The Good, The Bad, and We-Wish-You-Had-Enrolled-at-Elsewhere University

In last post, Ms. Snark outlined types of professors you are likely to encounter in the classroom--very important information for navigating your college career.

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However, almost as important: knowing your classroom competition. The Professor will offer her student lowdown/smackdown perspective of your peers. In the next few weeks, as she reveals her thoughts, she will post links on the right panel in a link list called "The Professor's Student Lowdown/Smackdown." Meanwhile, here, for your enjoyment and enlightenment, is an outline of what to expect:

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The Memorable
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-----The Superstar

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-----The Learner

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-----The Worker

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The Silent Majority

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The Squawking PITA
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-----The Whiner

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-----The Angry 10 o’clock Scholar

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The Professor has already explained general characteristics of the Cunster, the DUHster, and the DunSTIR; it may surprise you that these types can end up in just about any of the above outlined categories. For example, just because a student is perceived as a superstar doesn't mean she is a perfect little angel.

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The Professor

Your Professors: The Good, The Bad, and Les Miserable

Okay, my dear snarklits, it's time for Ms. Snark's professor lowdown/smackdown; over the next few weeks, I will cover the following types of professors you will likely encounter during your four to six years of college. As I cover each type, I will create a link in this post and to "Ms. Snark's Professor Lowdown/Smackdown," located on the side panel. For now, here is an outline:

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Full-timers:
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-----The Young Scholar on the Tenure Track
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----------The Hungry Young Prof

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----------The Fallen-off-the-Tenure-Track Scholar
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-----The Tenured Mid-career Scholar

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----------The Enthusiast

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----------The "Now-I-Can-Rest-on-My-Laurels" Scholar

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----------The Bitter and The Morose:

----------------"Phoning It In"

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-----The Tenured Senior Scholar
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----------Traditionalist

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----------The Still-Enthusiast

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----------The Yellow Noter

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----------The Tired: "Phoning It In"
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-----The Non-tenured Visiting Professor
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-----The Non-tenured Instructor
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Part-timers:
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-----The Long-term Adjunct
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----------"Freeway Flier"
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----------Spouse Adjunct
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-----The Teaching Assistant and

----------Short-term adjunct
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----------"I-Already-Have-a-Day-Job" Adjunct

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----------Distinguished Expert in Field

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----------"Phoning It In"

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Be sure to check out The Professor's Student Lowdown/Smackdown.

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Ms. Snark

Never Forget September 11, 2001

Text Messaging in Class?

No, No, and No.

The email Dilemma Continues...

Remember the first day of class when The Professor wrote her email address on the board and asked you to email her so she could add you to her address book?

The Professor has even reminded you during every class and finally announced that she would stop nagging you about this minor chore; after all, she is not your mother (thankfully!).

Many of you did so, and The Professor thanks you.

The Professor feels that she has assigned you a rather minor task, but it must have been an onerous duty for a few of you because she has yet to receive your email.

Sigh...The Professor supposes that she could look up your email address herself and add in in her address book, but she will not, and this is why:

1. She does not want to.
2. You're a grown up now and should be taking responsibility for your own tasks. Your colleagues have done it, so why should The Professor give you special dispensation?
3. Your email of record is often obsolete and messages tend to bounce back.
4. She does not want to.
5. She does not want to.
6. She does not want to.
7. She does not want to.
8. She does not want to.
9. She does not want to.
10. She does not want to.
11. You get the point.

The Professor has just sent an important message to your class, and you rebels will not receive it.

What a shame. You have just missed all the helpful tips about the first test.

You know what? The Professor will NOT send this information to you; get it from a colleague, or just suck it up.

Maybe even drop the class.

A lousy start, youngsters.

The Professor

PRWeb Press Release: "Walldaddy.com Seeks Worst College Living Space"

As promised, I have grabbed (from PRWeb) a press release that is related to the topic of this blog.
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According to PRWeb's copyright notice, webmasters may post PRWeb material gratis as long as PRWeb is credited properly.
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Here's the deal: the organization who developed this press release hopes that several college-related media outlets, such as college newspapers, will pick up this release, thus creating buzz for their contest.
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So what does this have to do with bloggers and webmasters? PRWeb generates content, exactly what we need for our landing pages, which often contain ads (as you can see, I have added Ad$ense to my blog). The idea is to draw traffic to one's page, and by adding interesting and relevant content, this blog is likely to draw more readers like you. Some of you may even click on the ads, but I assure you, that is not a requirement or even my primary concern. At this point, I am more interested in drawing traffic, thus creating a symbiotic relationship with PRWeb and other free content web sites and using the content in an interesting way.
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In one of my early posts, I revealed that I am writing a guide for college freshmen, and that this blog is part of the first-draft process. I eventually hope to make a profit from this book, but, for now, you're getting my sage advice for free. By the time this book sees publication, my true identity will be revealed because in the publishing world, credibility is king. Any press releases published here will not be a part of the actual book.
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Just remember: what follows is a press release, and, therefore, should not be viewed as a balanced newspaper story. Each release that I post will be clearly marked as such.
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By the way, you have just received a mini-lesson in web development and management.
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Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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(PRWEB) September 8, 2007 -- Walldaddy.com, the leading online source for posters, calendars, and decor prints, is holding a national contest to determine the world's worst college-student domiciles for 2007.
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If someone lives in a totally stank, fugly and depressing dorm or apartment, Walldaddy.com wants to help! We can't sponsor a major makeover, (or buy you a brand spanking new off-campus condo) but Walldaddy.com can show how posters, calendars, and decor prints are THE most cost-conscious and effective decorating measures out there. It's a real lipstick-on-a-pig type deal.
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The contest is open to full-time college students who live on or off campus. The contest begins on September 4th and runs throughout the month. For more information (and to see pics of the latest entries) go to:
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www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=544398836
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or
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www.myspace.com/wallddaddy
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The idea for the contest grew out of Walldaddy's informal market research. "The pics we were getting from our customers were eye-popping," said Ric Starost, E-Business Manager. Walldaddy.com. "Dorm rooms with unpainted cement walls, furniture styles so outdated they aren't even retro-cool, walls with more plaster patches than actual drywall, I mean, even the vandalism was old and tired, what with 'class of' and initials carvings from the early 80's. We felt obligated to get these stories out in the open."
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To enter visit http://www.walldaddy.com/space.html and simply upload pics of the nastiness.
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The winner's personal information won't be publicized (unless they want it to be) in fact, they don't even need to give it to us - to enter all we need is the pic, email contact info, and name of college or university attended.
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We are looking for uniquely bad design, terrible disrepair, horrible color schemes, ridiculously ugly bolted-down dorm furniture, and prison-like space considerations. Consider the above attributes before entering, and please, DON'T upload pics of run-of-the-mill basic typical college socks-and-underwear-on-the-floor student slobbery. -
At the end of the month, Walldaddy.com's panel of college decorating experts will select the top three worst rooms -- whose inhabitant's suffering Walldaddy.com will end by providing them with Walldaddy.com gift cards worth $300!
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For Further Info:
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Julia Bukovinsky
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Account Manager
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DJH Marketing Communications, Inc.
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732-567-8219

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______________________

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By the way, before entering this (or any other contest), make sure that entry is free and don't reveal any personal financial information.

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Also, be aware that this company is probably looking for photos to use for their posters--not necessarily a bad thing--but read the fine print before entering and decide whether or not you would want your ghastly dorm room published as a poster.

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Ms. Snark

On Becoming Tech Savvy: A Heretic in the Ivy Tower

1. Part of the beauty of being anonymous: I can reveal what I really think without worrying too much about repercussions. Having said that, I realize that nothing is truly anonymous on the internet, but I'm still going to chance it and admit a few things that I would never say face-to-face to a colleague:

1. In the 21st century, every young person needs to become tech savvy, which involves knowing more than just using email, blogger, and myspace. You need to learn how to do web pages, write html code (or whatever codes are now standard), upload files and photographs and entire web pages.

2. If you are going into business and/or marketing, you should take all the computer classes you can because your boss will expect you to be tech savvy, and you had better pay attention. If you are going into business for yourself, you will need to know your way around the web if for no other reason to watch over your business interests and protect them from web sharks.

3. Never forget this truism: The world wide web is the playground for con artists, and you must take measures to fend them off by protecting your passwords and never revealing them to strangers and, yes, even to your best friends. This is probably one of the most important lessons in 21st century life.

The internet is full of liars, cheats, and charlatans; in a sense, Ms. Snark & The Professor is part of the big internet scam, for anytime a site is anonymous, you should view what is written on it with a cynical and critical eye. You have no idea who I am: I could be a college student, a 12th grader, or even a mass murderer on death row posing as a college professor. How would you know?

4. Learning how to write well is important, but not nearly as important as knowing how to manage the web for your benefit. There are quite a few young millionaires out there who can barely spell, yet they are millionaires. Often, they were "C" students throughout their college years, so if you fall in this category, don't sweat it. If you can manage your piece of the internet and make enough money doing it, you can always hire in-house or freelance writers to generate internet content or buy content from places like Associated Content or use free content from PRWeb (if you don't mind using press releases).

Just to prove my point, my next post, which will be related to the subject matter of this blog, will be a press release snatched from PRWeb.

5. With very few exceptions, the average writer is going to be part of the new underclass, right down there with adjunct faculty, janitors, and bookstore clerks. (By the way, I have nothing against anyone in these groups.)

6. Right now, one of the the most highly touted courses in college and university writing departments is a sexy-sounding "how-to" offering called "Writing for the Web" or "Web Writing." You certainly can learn a lot of technical skills in such a course, but if you are not learning why one writes for the web, then you need to take a course or attend a bonafide conference that shows you how to turn web writing into a real living.

However, avoid the "free" get-rich-quick seminar schemes because the only ones getting rich quick are the seminar organizers (see number 3), and, besides, nothing is ever really free.

7. There is a lot of money to be made (honestly) on the web; you just have to follow your bliss and find your special niche.

8. Learning how to schmooze properly and smoothly, either in person or online, is probably the most important skill that you can learn in life, one that I wish I had learned as a young person fresh out of college.

9. Courtesy and good manners never go out of style, even when you're feeling snarky and out of sorts with a friend or stranger. Being sweet when you don't feel like it is one of those whites lies that is truly a good thing--easier said than done, I know.

10. Perhaps the most heretical statement an academic can mutter: beyond the freshman composition courses that you are required to take, you would do well to avoid writing courses altogether and take literature, art, philosophy, and music. By becoming well-rounded in the liberal arts, you will become a better writer. Writing means nothing if you have nothing to write about. Besides, if you haven't learned how to hang together a sentence by now, then it's your fault for not paying attention in elementary, middle, and high school. Go to your college Writing Center for tutoring help and/or buy yourself a good grammar book and get cracking on those skills.

It's never too late.

Ms. Snark

Sigh...On Student Messages to "The Professor" via EMAIL...

The Professor feels a certain weariness at having to write this post, for Emily Post does not seem to cover the issue of email protocol, or, my dear young charges, you don't read books on everyday etiquette and netiquette.

So here are some do's and don'ts for emailing your professors:

1. DO write literate messages. Yes, Malcolm, correct spelling and good grammar DO matter, even for a math or psychology class. Before hitting the "send" button, proofread your message, and run it through spell check.
2. DON'T expect The Professor to be available for 24/7 handholding. Believe it or not, she conducts a rather full life outside of the academy and barely thinks about you on a personal level. The Professor realizes that this is a rather shocking confession, but there it is. The sooner you realize that Mommy is back in Springfield and not standing in front of your class, the better you will adjust to college life.
3. DO use a formal tone. "Hiya prof" is hardly viewed as an endearing term. The Professor cringes at such salutations and is often tempted to hit the "delete" button without reading on.
4. In emails to superiors (and The Professor has earned the right to be your superior), "I," as it refers to the First Person singular, should ALWAYS be capitalized, no exceptions. You are no e.e. cummings, and you did not invent lower-case "i"; therefore, you have no right to use it to impress superiors.
5. Before firing off your urgent question, check your syllabus to make sure the question has not already been addressed; otherwise, expect a snarky answer, such as, "Check page two of your syllabus."
6. This may come as a shock to you, but The Professor really doesn't care about your inability to buy the required textbooks for her class. The Professor does not own the college bookstore, nor is she in cahoots with the bookstore manager to make your life miserable. She may cluck and offer you some viable suggestions, such as borrowing the book from a peer, Borders, Amazon.com, and/or a photocopying machine, but that is the extent of her involvement. Vow to do better next semester, and read this post and this post. One more item: The Professor is not likely to excuse you from fulfilling your assignments because of your difficulties. This is a good time to begin incorporating those problem-solving skills that you touted ad nauseum in your college essay.
7. DON'T email your excuses for absences with the hope of procuring an "excused" absence; The Professor will require solid documentation, such as a dated hospital discharge (a hospital wrist brand is not enough), an obituary and funeral program, police report, accident report, and/or trial transcript.
8. DON'T whine and wheedle in an email message; if you do, your message may end up on Rate Your Students.
9. DON'T threaten The Professor; she may have to call security and the Dean (for your removal from her class).
10. NEVER lie in an email; it may come back to haunt you.

Actually, never lie to your professors at all; you are not very good at it; certainly, The Professor can sniff out lies like a bloodhound.

The Professor wishes to thank RYS for reminding her to address this issue and also for the link to a New York Times article about egregious emails from your peers. You would do well to read it.

The Professor