Sigh...On Student Messages to "The Professor" via EMAIL...

The Professor feels a certain weariness at having to write this post, for Emily Post does not seem to cover the issue of email protocol, or, my dear young charges, you don't read books on everyday etiquette and netiquette.

So here are some do's and don'ts for emailing your professors:

1. DO write literate messages. Yes, Malcolm, correct spelling and good grammar DO matter, even for a math or psychology class. Before hitting the "send" button, proofread your message, and run it through spell check.
2. DON'T expect The Professor to be available for 24/7 handholding. Believe it or not, she conducts a rather full life outside of the academy and barely thinks about you on a personal level. The Professor realizes that this is a rather shocking confession, but there it is. The sooner you realize that Mommy is back in Springfield and not standing in front of your class, the better you will adjust to college life.
3. DO use a formal tone. "Hiya prof" is hardly viewed as an endearing term. The Professor cringes at such salutations and is often tempted to hit the "delete" button without reading on.
4. In emails to superiors (and The Professor has earned the right to be your superior), "I," as it refers to the First Person singular, should ALWAYS be capitalized, no exceptions. You are no e.e. cummings, and you did not invent lower-case "i"; therefore, you have no right to use it to impress superiors.
5. Before firing off your urgent question, check your syllabus to make sure the question has not already been addressed; otherwise, expect a snarky answer, such as, "Check page two of your syllabus."
6. This may come as a shock to you, but The Professor really doesn't care about your inability to buy the required textbooks for her class. The Professor does not own the college bookstore, nor is she in cahoots with the bookstore manager to make your life miserable. She may cluck and offer you some viable suggestions, such as borrowing the book from a peer, Borders, Amazon.com, and/or a photocopying machine, but that is the extent of her involvement. Vow to do better next semester, and read this post and this post. One more item: The Professor is not likely to excuse you from fulfilling your assignments because of your difficulties. This is a good time to begin incorporating those problem-solving skills that you touted ad nauseum in your college essay.
7. DON'T email your excuses for absences with the hope of procuring an "excused" absence; The Professor will require solid documentation, such as a dated hospital discharge (a hospital wrist brand is not enough), an obituary and funeral program, police report, accident report, and/or trial transcript.
8. DON'T whine and wheedle in an email message; if you do, your message may end up on Rate Your Students.
9. DON'T threaten The Professor; she may have to call security and the Dean (for your removal from her class).
10. NEVER lie in an email; it may come back to haunt you.

Actually, never lie to your professors at all; you are not very good at it; certainly, The Professor can sniff out lies like a bloodhound.

The Professor wishes to thank RYS for reminding her to address this issue and also for the link to a New York Times article about egregious emails from your peers. You would do well to read it.

The Professor